Protecting Kids On-Line: A Growth Industry

I was privileged to be part of this year’s annual meeting of FOSI, the Family On-Line Safety Institute. This was the first year they invited a sex expert. So it was 400 public policy people and one sex guy—me.

The lineup of speakers was extraordinary: a Senator; senior executives from companies like Verizon and Comcast; several state Attorneys General; President Obama’s Deputy Chief Technology Officer; and dozens of heavy hitters like Adam Thierer (Progress & Freedom Foundation) and Larry Magid (ConnectSafely).

The complexity of the internet, broadband, and mobile-connected world of kids and teens which they discussed for two days had my head spinning. Preschoolers tweeting?

Everyone agreed that the online environment posed various dangers to kids; thankfully, in addition to talking about predators, these sophisticated people talk about cyberbullying and other problems that are far more common in most kids’ lives.

All speakers expressed commitment to the same thing: helping young people have safe, productive experiences online. Of course, sincere people disagree on how to define “safe” and “productive”—a common disagreement whenever sexuality is involved. That tension underlines policy discussions of adult sex-related issues, too, like the morning-after pill, prostitution, and same-sex marriage.

With this all-star lineup I didn’t have much time, but I did make the following points:

* Why do kids use the internet for various sexual activities? Why NOT? Kids are sexual (whether we like it or not), and the internet is the most powerful communications technology ever invented. Of COURSE they’ll use it for sexual purposes—just like adults do.

* How should we deal with kids sexting? The way we would deal with it if we could see beyond its sexual aspect: by talking about trust, power, privacy, etc..

* Parents don’t need help dealing with their kids’ sexuality online—they need help dealing with their kids’ sexuality, period. Most parents deal with their kids’ online erotic lives the way they deal with their kids’ offline erotic lives—by ignoring or problematizing them. Whether they’re talking about the internet, the playground, or hooking up, parents need to discuss sexuality with their kids beyond the context of danger and safety.

* We’re preparing our kids for lives they’re NOT going to have—lives without erotic feelings, falling in love, and sexual decision-making. In doing so, we leave them unprepared for the lives that they’re going to have—whether we’re comfortable with that or not.

* It would be great if kids were as thoughtful and careful online as many policy-makers wish they would be. But that’s expecting kids to make better decisions online than most adults do. When tens of millions of adults are hooked on their blackberries, spending too much time in chat rooms, and being deceitful about porn use or online flirting, why are we surprised when kids reveal themselves too much on facebook or by sexting?

In most states, the age at which a picture qualifies as child pornography is higher than the age of consent. And so privately, I asked the Attorney General of one western state how he could justify criminalizing pictures of teens being sexual if the sexual acts themselves were legal. He kept telling me that the pictures were illegal no matter how they were created, so that ended the conversation fairly quickly.

He was more interested in enforcing the law than in understanding how it affects the society he supposedly wants to protect. Perhaps his attitude would change if his 16-year-old son had to register as a sex offender because he’d shared a nude photo of his girlfriend.

There are, of course, some real threats to the health and safety of young people online. But sometimes the criminal justice system is one of those threats. I wish this had been discussed seriously during the two-day conference.

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Scariest Halloween Goblin: Sex Offenders

In the never-ending quest to boost their “tough on crime” and “family values” credentials, politicians and police departments across America have turned this year’s Halloween into the scariest one yet.

What could be scarier than a vampire, zombie, or Michael Jackson?

A Registered Sex Offender.

Yes, whether someone’s on the registry for consensual teen-teen sex, for exposing himself from 10 feet away, for discussing sex online with an undercover cop, or for raping an actual kid (whether 5 years ago or 25 years ago), Registered Sex Offenders are being targeted as the Most Dangerous Thing around.

Since virtually no one will stand up for these people’s rights, communities are restricting them on Halloween more than ever. In New Jersey, they may not leave their home tonight after 7pm, and they may not open their doors to trick-or-treaters. In South Carolina, sex offenders on parole or probation must be home and may not have their outdoor lights on between 5-9pm. In Lubbock County, TX, some 80 offenders cannot even stay home tonight and mind their own business—they must attend a Corrections Department meeting from 5-9pm.

Although no one listens, experts keep stating that such coercive programs address a non-existent threat. For example, the recent study from the University of Oklahoma’s Center on Child Abuse and Neglect shows that children are no more likely to be sexually exploited by a stranger on Halloween than on any other autumn day.

And a paper published in Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment reviewed attacks by non-family members during a nine-year period on more than 67,000 victims 12 or younger. Neither Halloween nor the days surrounding it showed increased attacks.

And the FBI says that Registered Sex Offenders are less likely to reoffend than murderers, homicidal drunk drivers, arsonists, or violent burglars.

In reality, the most dangerous part of trick-or-treating is—cars.

Pedestrians age 5-14 are four times more likely to get struck and killed on Halloween than on any other day of the year, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

But cars are everywhere, and we can’t eliminate them. It’s easier to target a group of people with no rights and no support, and attempt to eliminate them.

If only protecting our kids were that easy.

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10 Ways to Observe Pornography Awareness Week

Today starts WRAP Week: White Ribbons Against Pornography.

Sponsored by groups including Concerned Women for America (CWA) and Morality in Media (MIM), the goal of the week is “to educate the public about the extent of the pornography problem and what can constitutionally be done about it.” The groups involved suggest activities for observing the week, such as urging the Attorney General to enforce obscenity laws.

I totally agree with the idea behind WRAP. I support increasing everyone’s awareness of pornography use in this country—how many people watch it, who these people typically are, how it affects them and their relationships, what are rights are regarding pornography, etc. Of course, I have a different, more scientific take on the “problem,” so I propose a different set of activities to observe the Week.

To counter the obscene lies our media and legislators will be hearing this week, perhaps you could do one (or more!) of the following:

* If you use porn, talk about it with your partner.
* Thank the clerk in your local convenience store for carrying porn magazines or videos.
* Write a letter to the editor of your local paper explaining that most people who use porn have no problem with it.
* Invite your partner to share her/his concerns about porn with you.
* Instead of a White Ribbon, wear a Plaid Ribbon. When people ask, say it’s for Porn Awareness Week and your gratitude for the First Amendment.
* Start a conversation with someone: “Did you know that the Bill of Rights says
nothing about an exception for porn, obscenity, or indecency?
* Send a few bucks to the ACLU, National Coalition Against Censorship or Woodhull Freedom Foundation. They protect your right to read, watch, and jack off to whatever adult material you like.
* Write your mayor or governor reminding them that you vote, and you have no problem with porn.
* Memorize these facts: in the real world, porn is NOT connected with violence against women, child molestation, or divorce. In fact, according to the FBI, these have all declined since the country was flooded with internet porn in 2000.
* Use some.

Bonus: What to say to people who claim that pornography causes most of America’s problems:

* “Of course some rapists and wife-beaters use pornography. So do 50,000,000 other Americans, and it doesn’t make them rape or beat anyone.”
* “Of course some people watch way too much porn. Other people watch way too much football, reality TV, or the Weather Channel. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with any of them.”
* “Porn doesn’t make men withdraw from their wives and girlfriends. Men withdraw for a variety of reasons. No pictures or stories can compete with a satisfying sexual & emotional relationship with a live person.”

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A Couple Quits Therapy; What Is “Normal” Desire?

A couple I’d seen in sex therapy for a month quit last night. I can’t say I blame them. And I admit I was a bit relieved.

They’re in their late forties, attractive and youngish. Here’s what I learned about them in four sessions:

* She doesn’t like the way he touches her
* He feels criticized by her every single day
* She almost never has orgasms
* He feels pressured to get erections quickly, and to make her climax from intercourse
* She doesn’t believe he finds her attractive, although he insists he does
* He feels he must never express anger toward her, because she then gives him the silent treatment for days
* She is angry about how he treated her while she was nursing their baby girl (who is now 16)
* He feels powerless to shape her parenting behavior toward their daughter, which he characterizes as rigid and controlling

The couple’s problem that brought them to therapy? They don’t have sex much anymore, and don’t feel much passion toward each other.

Well, duh.

They dropped out of therapy because we weren’t making much progress on the problem they wanted fixed. Worse (according to them), I didn’t seem that interested in talking about sex—I seemed overly focused on feelings, power dynamics, letting go of the past, and communication.

Yes, of course. Absolutely.

But they wanted to talk about sex, and wanted me to repair their “low desire” for each other. I told them that low desire with someone you don’t like or trust isn’t pathological, isn’t a problem to fix. Instead, I said, we needed to address the toxic environment in which they thought they should be wanting sex.

No, they dismissed my point of view (for which they were paying good money) and demanded I help them with their sex problem—the same way they dismiss each other while demanding what they want.

I was friendly, gentle, patient (mostly). But I either couldn’t or wouldn’t give them what they wanted (they weren’t sure, they said), so they left.

I have no idea what kind of sex they imagine they would have if they somehow desired each other—while disliking, mistrusting, and resenting each other. Whatever kind of sex that is, I don’t want to help people have it.

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Alaska Wants to Outlaw Disgusting Imagination

• Because murder is a terrible thing, the state of Alaska wants to outlaw films depicting murder.
• Because physical abusing and raping women is a terrible thing, the state of Alaska wants to outlaw TV programs showing this.
• Because sexually exploiting children is a terrible thing, the state of Alaska wants to outlaw drawings that show adult cartoon characters having sex with child cartoon characters.

All three of those are ridiculous, but the last one is true.

Americans are not allowed to look at photographs of actual children being sexual with actual adults. In fact, pictures don’t have to show kids having sex to be illegal—they just have to show “lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area.” “Lascivious” is defined by whatever 12 people who couldn’t get out of jury duty decide it is, which has already included children wearing bathing suits.

Americans are not even allowed to look at photos of actual children whose non-sexual images have been computer-manipulated to look as if the child is being sexual with an adult.

Alaska wants to criminalize cartoons that remind people of pictures they’re not allowed to look at. That would be like criminalizing paintball shoot-outs because they remind some people of actual killings.

The legislators and prosecutors behind this proposal believe that because the cartoons are disgusting, they should be outlawed. They say the cartoons encourage bad thoughts in adults, and can be used to encourage children to comply with invitations for molestation.

No one can say these things aren’t true, of course. What we can say is that none of that creates an exemption from our Constitutional protections. Alaskans own a huge number of guns—and they defend their right to do so, even though guns encourage bad thoughts in adults, and are often used to coerce or harm others.

As Joan Bertin of National Coalition Against Censorship says, the would-be illegal cartoons “represent someone’s fantasy life. When you start regulating that kind of matter, you are getting into thought control, and that is very dangerous.” Federal Judge Roger Gregory agreed when he dissented in the conviction of a Virginia man for owning some Japanese cartoons, encouraging the defendant to take his case to the U.S. Supreme Court. He called it “government regulation of private thoughts, convicting a man for the victimless ‘crime’ of privately communicating his personal fantasies.”

Aaron Sperbeck of the Anchorage DA’s Office is driving the new law, encouraged by Alaska’s House Judiciary chair Rep. Jay Ramras. The images he has in mind “are almost as graphic and disturbing as real children.” Alaska Assistant U.S. Attorney Audrey Renschen says of anime, “even though a real child wasn’t used, it still sexualizes the child [who someone might show it to].”

That’s a lot of “what ifs.” These professional lawyers—working for a District Attorney and a U.S. Attorney—apparently don’t understand the principle that in America, we jail people for breaking the law, not for having the means of breaking the law, or for enjoying disgusting ideas.

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Family Foundation of Kentucky Calls Me Out

I spoke at the University of Kentucky a few days ago as part of their Sex Week. The Family Foundation of Kentucky was terribly upset about the Week’s various activities, insulting the faculty organizer and demanding the school repudiate the whole thing.

FFK says it is astonished and confused by the Week’s goal, which is to increase sexual literacy. Sarcastically, they wonder “That’s right. Today’s college students apparently don’t know enough about sex. If you didn’t get that memo, don’t worry, neither did we.”

What would make FFK think college students know enough about sex? Like most “family” oriented morality groups, they constantly decry our youth’s high rates of STDs, unplanned pregnancy, and abortion. And like most of these anti-sex organizations, they apparently believe that information about sex creates problems, rather than preventing or solving them.

Ironically, on the very day they were criticizing the idea of increasing college students’ sexual knowledge, they were advertising Honeymoon for Life marriage enrichment seminars. They promise to teach about how communication really works; conflict resolution skills; and the real selling point, how to “keep sex and romance alive.”

These are GREAT goals, and I agree that the lack of this information is often the source of problems in marriage. In fact, the lack of this information often destroys relationships that could have worked.

And it’s exactly this information that Sex Week provides students on college campuses across America. Programs attacked by social conservatives and religious fundamentalists.

My only question is, why does FFK want to withhold this precious information from young people until AFTER they marry and run into trouble? If you claim to believe that marriage is important and special, why make marital success unnecessarily difficult, and then sell people the solution—via marriage seminars and advice on getting more involved with their church?

Oh wait…now I get it.

Those hypocritical, entrepreneurial bastards.

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A Visit to the Middle Ages, Central Asia-Style

I continued my trip to Azerbaijan by visiting medieval times twice, from two entirely different—yet oddly related—directions.

Today I went to Krasnaya Sloboda, a small town in the foothills near Russia that is experiencing a religious revival. In fact, it now has the only actual Jewish culture in Azerbaijan. The rest was wiped out by the Soviets in the general anti-religion frenzy of the Stalin era, enhanced by the standard Russian and Central Asian anti-semitism.

Religion has been making an enormous comeback in all the former Soviet republics since the collapse of the USSR in 1991. Whether Christian, Muslim, or Jewish, not surprisingly, it’s been the orthodox strains that have been most energetic. After all, that’s the kind of religion that survives underground during times of oppression, and that’s the kind that’s most attractive when religion is reintroduced.

So although Judaism has been considered a relatively progressive religion for 1,000 years, the Judaism I found in Krasnaya Sloboda was pretty disconcerting. Not only are women not allowed to pray next to men, they aren’t allowed to pray at all. The men in the synagogue were quite proud that “we are more strict than the Jews in Israel.” They gave the usual spiel about women having a privileged role in transmitting the culture through the home. I suggested that they were being deprived of the beauties of the Torah (such as they are), and of the comforts of worshipping god (such as he/she/it is). They shrugged, saying this is “tradition,” which of course is both nonsense and not a very good reason for separating family members during times of prayer and socializing.

Two hours later, having left Krasnaya Sloboda, I sat at dinner with my guide and driver, she a college-educated world traveller and he a normal kind of high-school graduate, both in their late 40s. In response to a few questions back and forth, they proceeded to jointly lecture me on the finer points of their culture–mandatory female virginity before marriage, the unimportance of sex in women’s lives, the need for men to have regular “sexual release,” the complete inappropriateness of female infidelity, and the occasional necessity for honor killings—of daughters or wives who have strayed.

Yes, these two people who own cell phones, drive, and use the internet believe that the hymen is so important that a girl should be killed if she can’t present it to her future husband. And they believe that, although male infidelity is “only normal,” a wife who strays deserves to be killed; an enlightened man would only beat and abandon her.

Yes, my guide Azzia would kill her own daughter if she betrayed her family’s dreams of a virgin bride—although “this would never happen, because we train her every day since she is little.” I noted the tremendous responsibility young daughters have: you wouldn’t trust a 14-year-old with your best camera, watch, or family china, but something far more precious—the family’s reputation and dreams—are carried on her shoulders every day. How anxiety-provoking this must be for the family. Azzia didn’t quite get my astute, western analysis.

I asked if this were an Azeri belief or a Muslim belief, and she said “Muslim, definitely.” Trying hard to contain my disdain, I said, “This is how you lived 1,300 years ago, and this is how you live now.” She agreed, without a trace of irony.

Of course, the ultra-orthodox Jewish system, repressive as it is, is far more benign than the Muslim one. Jews haven’t had anything like honor killings since they left their desert tents. Nor do Jews abort fetuses simply for being female, nor do they abandon newborn babies who make the stupid choice to come into the world as girls.

But both systems devalue femaleness, and in doing so leave both men and women isolated and incomplete. the “otherness” men and women experience of women and men is so profound, there can be no intimacy. The lack of trust is so profound there can be no intimacy.

When hymens are more important than humans, when female sexuality is dismissed as myth, when male bullying is considered evolutionarily, spiritually, and physically “normal,” and when men and women are prevented from praying together, god feels shame at god’s creation. If god has tears, god weeps.

Azerbaijan is sitting on much of the oil left in the world. This makes Azerbaijan important—for a very short while. But it doesn’t make Azerbaijan rich; its religious tradition of denigrating women, fearing sexuality, and preventing intimacy makes it very, very poor.

When the oil is used up in just a few years, Azerbaijan won’t be important anymore–and it will still be poor.

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Training Professionals Here In Azerbaijan

This is my 6th day of a two-week trip in Azerbaijan, a country bordered by Turkey, Iran, and Russia. To follow my exploits, see www.MartyInAz.com.

I gave several lectures in Baku this week: to psychologists, and to public health professionals at the Ministry of Health.

I did them all in English, working with a translator. I say something, wait, she says something; I say something, wait, she says something. I’ve done this before in other countries, and never like it; it’s hard to get a rhythm going, but more importantly, it cuts down the amount of material I can present by almost 50%. And dealing with people’s questions—which I encourage and they typically desire—is especially clumsy. I clearly have an amazingly gifted translator here (who blushes at nothing), but it is a personal challenge trusting my precious (and admittedly idiosyncratic) ideas in someone else’s mouth.

In typical Azerbaijani fashion (as I’ve learned, to my dismay), the start and end times of my lectures were unclear, and I wasn’t sure exactly to whom I was speaking. That, of course, makes preparation difficult. I invariably get to do these talks in stiflingly hot and ugly rooms. And then comes the Eastern norm of the stone-faced audience, which I’ve also encountered before. The grim affects, the folded arms, lack of eye contact—it’s like talking with depressed people who have a touch of Asperger’s syndrome. Come to think of it, that defines Soviet (and therefore ex-Soviet) civic life.

But my talks must have gone well, because no one left early—in fact people invariably stayed until they were told to leave. I’ve been asked to return, and will actually squeeze in another lecture the day before leaving for home.

It’s been a challenge talking about empowering people around sexuality—when they’re stuck in an era of virginity before marriage (and really follow it, even most males); it’s a wife’s duty to have sex when her husband wants it; there is no sex education; and public agencies are still trying to reduce the practice of forced marriage at girls at puberty.

So I talked about simple things like changing the wedding night to include talking, touching, and having sex with the lights on; contraception as a means of improving sexual enjoyment; and using lubricants to make sex more comfortable for both partners. I also reminded people that the virginity/enforced ignorance system places a crushing sense of responsibility on men. Men themselves don’t talk about this, women can’t really help unless they’re willing to challenge the entire gender system, and as a result most “normal” people feel alienated around sex. I believe that some of the male violence and coercion around sex is an expression of anxiety and resentment about the pressure to perform in really awful circumstances.

Since there is no distinction in my mind between sexuality and politics (reminiscent of that line that ‘those who make a distinction between education and entertainment don’t understand either one’), I talked about the American experience of sexual health promotion—and aggressive failure. I spoke about the U.S. debacle with Gardisil—how a small number of religious politicians were able to undermine the distribution of a miraculous drug that could cut the rate of HPV and cervical cancer for millions of American women, all in the name of preventing girls from becoming sexual before marriage. I said that in the U.S., sexual health had to be marketed as a health issue instead of a sexual issue. Public health officials, take note.

In all, my week in Baku has been interesting, aggravating, and a challenge to my concepts regarding politics, sociology, economics, nationalism, and psychology. Are there ideas that we can use to understand all people, or are cultures so fundamentally idiosyncratic that they can only be understood on their own local terms?

Some people assume that sex is a universal language, a longing (or an anxiety) shared by almost everyone. In my travels around the world, I’ve never found that “sex” had a meaning or value on which everyone agreed. Azerbaijan is one more country that confirms my experience.

Tomorrow morning I head out to “the regions,” the ancient, rural lands in the mountains and valleys. If I have internet access, you’ll hear about it before I return to Baku on Friday night. Inshallah.

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When Adults Fail Children—For Life

The Iowa Supreme Court has affirmed the conviction of 18-year-old Jorge Canal, who complied with a 14-year-old friend’s request for a photo of his penis. The young man is now forced to register as a sex offender, meaning his chances of getting a college degree, job, or livable apartment are pretty much ended.

According to the court, the girl “generally hung out with teenagers older than herself;” was “only friends” with Canal; thought the picture was sent “only as a joke;” and was not “a means to excite any feelings.” Nevertheless, Canal was convicted of “knowingly disseminating obscene material to a minor.”

Canal was a foolish kid. But there are many ugly, stupid, irresponsible adults in this story. The girl’s mother, who checked her daughter’s e-mail and internet use, found the photo and forwarded it to her husband. The father then showed the photo to his friend, a police officer. The cop arranged to have Canal arrested. A prosecutor pursued the case, a judge tried it, a jury convicted. These adults failed Canal and his friend miserably. His ruined life will be a testament to their fear, insecurity, and hatred.

All these adults were supposedly attempting to protect Iowa’s young people–by punishing this kid who was fooling around with a pal.

So let’s spend a moment in the real world (which none of these adults seem to inhabit). Which is likely to hurt this 14-year-old girl more—seeing a 2-square-inch photo of a friend’s erect penis, or being the reason that this friend will spend time in jail and decades as a registered sex offender? Her life is now ruined (in addition, of course, to his), because of her criminally negligent parents, criminally ambitious prosecutor, and 12 jury members who failed to protect people who needed justice but received only wrath.

Americans should understand the horrors of our obscenity laws: a picture or word or object is obscene only after a jury decides that it is. And a jury can decide that ANY picture, word, or object is obscene. So no one can know for sure what’s obscene until it’s too late. This is exactly like laws against “hooliganism” in places like Russia that we rightly deride.

The judge in Canal’s case had rightly told the jury that “a depiction of a person’s genitals was not in and of itself obscene. In order for the depiction of a person’s genitals to be obscene, an average person applying contemporary community standards with respect to what is suitable material for minors must find the material is patently offensive, appeals to the prurient interest, and lacks serious literary, scientific, political, or artistic value.” At that point, the picture becomes illegal, and sharing it with someone else becomes a crime.

A jury of twelve Americans destroyed Jorge Canal’s life because they believed that a picture of his erect penis is “patently offensive.” I hope each of them never gets a good night’s sleep for the rest of their lives.

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What Do We Actually Know About Sex?

I’m returning from New York, where I keynoted a big Planned Parenthood event.

It’s wonderful to speak to groups of people who support sexual rights. It always feels like visiting family. (The family that makes you feel welcome, not the family that wonders if you were switched with their “real” child at birth.)

After I spoke, I saw an old friend, and the subject of pornography came up (I hardly go anywhere anymore that it doesn’t). An influential sex-positive researcher, she told me she favored full access to sexually explicit materials—“except, of course, snuff films,” she said.

That brought me up short. Here’s a world-class sociologist, a tremendous force for good in the world, and she’s talking about snuff films—movies where actual people actually die while making the film, which very sick viewers then watch for sexual pleasure.

I told her there’s no such thing.

“Of course there is,” she said.

I asked if she’d ever seen one. She hadn’t.
I asked if she knew anyone who’d ever seen one. She hadn’t.
I asked if she knew anyone who knew anyone who’d ever seen one. She hadn’t.

“But various law enforcement people talk about it, and they say they exist,” she said. I totally believe that they say that. But I asked her if any of these prosecutors, detectives, or cops had ever seized one, shown her one, or even seen one. She said no.

She and I travel in very different professional circles which only overlap slightly. So between the two of us, we’ve got most of the sex profession covered. And together we’ve been at it over half a century. To top it off, she’s one of the world’s experts on sexual violence.

So if neither of us has seen a snuff film, or knows someone who has, I’m certain they don’t exist.

What’s interesting, though, is the enduring power of this myth. Like Bigfoot, delicious fat-free lasagna, or moderate Republicans, people insist there is such a thing. Nobody’s seen one, but the myth is so persistent that somehow it’s up to the non-believers to prove the thing doesn’t exist—which, of course, can’t be done.

People are especially prone to believing myths about sex. Part of my job is to challenge such beliefs: That the internet is full of pedophiles waiting to kidnap our kids. That porn is a gateway drug that leads to watching kiddie porn. That masturbation within marriage is a form of infidelity. That love always leads to desire, and that lack of desire reflects a lack of love. That condoms don’t work. That abstinence does.

What’s even more interesting than challenging these myths, though, is asking why these ideas persist in the face of people’s actual, contrary experience. In most marriages, at least one partner masturbates. Most Americans who pledge abstinence until marriage have sex before marriage. At some point most people love someone and yet have insufficient desire. And so on.

Everyone agrees that we desperately need more communication about sex—between partners, between parents and children, among physicians, psychologists, and sex therapists. But communication with inaccurate information is worse than no communication at all.

That’s a main disadvantage of do-it-yourself sex education websites and blogs—where people write in with their problems, and others offer their “opinion” and “experience.” This advice is often gender-biased (“most women are selfish in bed”), fear-and-danger oriented (“never let your daughter go to frat parties”) moralistic (“porn is an evil intrusion into the sanctity of your relationship”), or just plain wrong (“sooner or later, menopause kills everyone’s sex life”).

The internet is the sex educator’s worst nightmare—a chance for everyone to reinforce everyone else’s ignorance. So this week, do yourself a favor—just ask yourself, “When it comes to sex, how do I know what I know? Why do I believe what I believe, anyway?”

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