Florida Now Safe For Goats & Jesus

Honestly, I’m not making this up.

On the one hand, the Florida Senate has voted 38-0 to criminalize sex with animals. At the very same time, it’s about to issue license plates depicting the crucified head of Jesus.

Each of these is a nutty idea—supported by large numbers of voters. I’m not sure which would be more offensive: seeing my neighbor making love with his goat, or seeing my neighbor’s car sporting a government-issued “I believe” license plate.

Wait, of course I know: it’s the license plate.

Florida lawmakers have their priorities upside down. Floridians don’t need to be protected from the occasional ultra-lonely guy trying to get a goat’s penis down his throat. They need protection from religious zealots trying to jam Jesus down everyone’s throat. The lonely guy’s penis may be unwashed and unwanted, but it’s no threat to our way of life. Government endorsement of religion is. If, that is, your way of life honors the Constitution.

The anti-bestiality law is a pet project of State Senator Nan Rich. She cited exactly 2 Florida cases of human-animal sex in the last 4 years. State Senator Bill Heller sponsored the bill last year, calling bestiality “torture,” “animal cruelty,” and animal “abuse.” He’s obviously thinking of animal rape, not animal sex.

Indeed, State Senator Rich justified the law saying that those who abuse animals are likely to—what else?—do the same to kids. It’s an intuitively attractive idea dripping with opportunism and hypocrisy. The actual link is between people who deliberately hurt animals and those who deliberately hurt children. The tiny number of people who have sex with animals don’t fit into either group.

But what politician in their right mind is going to vote against either bill: criminalizing bestiality or legally endorsing Jesus? This tyranny of the (obsessed) majority is not what democracy is about.

Jesus hasn’t commented on how he feels about car owners blaspheming with his picture on their rear bumper. But do you think animals prefer to be killed and eaten, or “abused” through sex with a human lover?

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