Archive for February, 2009

Bristol Palin’s Wisdom: Better Than Science?

February 27, 2009

I have scars older than Bristol Palin. I have a pair of shoes, several garden tools, and a hundred cassette tapes older than Bristol Palin. You get my point.

You’ll recall that the Palin Kid created a brief moment of bizarre theatre 6 months ago when she turned up pregnant, 17, and unmarried. Her mom pretended this was completely irrelevant during a presidential election campaign she was attempting to re-shape as a referendum on the sexual culture wars. The would-be Vice-Mom topped Larry Craig and Elliot Spitzer as a world-class hypocrite, condemning all those sluts who have sex before marriage, scorning all those men who exploit and impregnate women. Her little girl and her stud, of course, were exempt from this narrative.

For Sarah Palin, throwing a billion dollars down the abstinence toilet still seemed a smart investment. Still does, she says.

The Palin Kid recently started her 16th minute of fame with an interview on Fox TV saying, of all things, that her mother’s Neanderthal view of sex and abstinence is “not realistic at all.” The popular media are eating it up: through this wise child who isn’t old enough to drink legally, and who apparently doesn’t know a condom from a pineapple, People, USA Today, CNN and others have discovered that abstinence training does not work. After all, here’s a white, middle-class teen who was trained to avoid sex—and she didn’t!

For years, scientists across America have been saying the exact same thing—not as some charming tale of a lovable kid who creates a lovable kid, but with crystal-clear numbers, logic, predictions, and proof. The data is overwhelming: abstinence programs succeed in getting kids to promise abstinence, but they fail in getting kids to actually abstain. They’re theatre. They’re religion masquerading as education.

By and large, the media have yawned. By and large, the advocates for this failed public policy have said the numbers don’t matter. Science doesn’t matter. Feeling and belief matter. It’s how our country was run for 8 years: feeling and belief (also known as superstition) mattered more than anything, certainly more than science.

The media have colluded with this repulsive development. There should be a headline every single day: “Abstinence training STILL ineffective.”

Instead, we’re told that if you want the real “facts” about teen sexuality, teen pregnancy, and sex education, forget the experts. Forget the Guttmacher Institute, forget SIECUS, forget Doug Kirby. Don’t bother with science.

Instead, just ask this kid, whose mother still believes that other people’s babies come from immorality.

Bookmark and Share

TechnoratiTechnorati: , , , , , , , , , ,

Kansas Library: Books Are “Harmful” for Kids

February 23, 2009

The Topeka and Shawnee County (Kansas) Public Library’s Board of Trustees voted last week to restrict minors’ access to four books about sex, deeming the material “harmful to minors.”

For my comments on this at the Legal Satyricon—one of the world’s great blogs—click here.


TechnoratiTechnorati: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sexual Intelligence Roundup

February 16, 2009

There’s just too many things happening in the world of sex to comment on every single one. Thus, we introduce the Sexual Intelligence Roundup, through which you can follow sex-related events that are fun, aggravating, confusing, or all three.

The idea comes from Marc Randazza, the powerhouse legal scholar and First Amendment purist whose Legal Satyricon blog is an absolute inspiration.

* 40,000 couples kissed simultaneously in Mexico City’s central square, setting a new world’s record. Why did the mayor of this city of 20 million people organize the event?
more…

* President Obama says he wants gay men and women welcomed into the military. What does he need to learn from Bill Clinton’s failure 16 years ago?
more…

*Why is it illegal to pay a prostitute for sex, but it’s NOT illegal to pay people to have sex in front of a camera and then make money selling the resulting film?
more…

* Haulover Beach in Southern Florida has an extraordinarily positive impact on the local economy. Why does the beach draw more people than the Florida Marlins and Miami Dolphins combined?
more…

* People call President Obama a liberal, but he’s still lined up to continue funding the scientifically-discredited American superstition of Abstinence-only Until Marriage sex “education.” Here’s why it’s a $200,000,000 mistake, and what you can do about it.
more…

* Pakistan has signed a deal delivering the important province of Swat over to Sharia, the vicious Islamic law that policies morality and gender relations with violence. Did the U.S. government really reply in a pathetic, mealy-mouthed way?
more…

* Modern Muslim scholars declare the Koran accepts homosexuality. Will the faithful notice—or care?
more…


TechnoratiTechnorati: , , , , , , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day And Lousy Sex

February 15, 2009

I’ve been a sex therapist for 28 years. That’s 30,000 sessions discussing desire, orgasm, and everything in between.

New patients and new friends alike often smile and say “I’ll bet you’ve heard just about everything when it comes to sex.” And the honest answer is, well, yes.

But after 28 years, you want to know what still amazes me?

It isn’t the number of men and women who are frustrated, living in relationships that offer little or not sex. And it’s not the number of men and women who have little or no interest in sex, and who struggle through it once in a while because of guilt or pressure.

No, the thing that still amazes me is how so many of those frustrated people who only get half-hearted, quick sex once in a while—want more of it.

It’s like that old joke about two friends complaining about the crummy diner down the street: “The food’s lousy,” says one. “Yeah, and the portions are so small!” grumbles the other.

When people are stuck with sex they don’t enjoy, why do they want more of it? With these couples I ask the question pretty directly, and the first response is usually surprise: ‘if I’m sexually frustrated, why wouldn’t I want more sex?’ As one deprived, unhappy woman told me. “What am I supposed to do instead—nothing?”

The other common response is “it’s not thrilling, but mediocre sex is better than nothing.”

When I ask the person who doesn’t like or want sex much why he or she keeps doing it (even if only once every month or two), the response is usually “because I feel worse if I don’t than if I do.” This covers a range of situations, from ‘I feel guilty if I don’t’ to ‘he nags me until I do,’ to ‘she doesn’t pressure me directly, but if she doesn’t get sex periodically, she’s miserable to live with.’

In trying to help such couples, one of my goals is to break the association between sex and physical or emotional pain. Realistically, that may mean eliminating sex for a while, or at least certain activities, most typically intercourse.

While some low-desire partners find this a great relief, many of them resist. They don’t know how they’ll deal with their own guilt, or with their partner’s pressure (real or perceived). A few high-desire partners are surprised by their own sense of relief, but most just get more cranky, not less.

Putting aside situations in which refusing sex can lead to domestic violence, I just don’t understand how anyone could imagine that forcing themselves to have sex that’s unwanted, boring, lonely, or painful is going to contribute to a positive sexual connection. Similarly, I don’t understand how anyone who isn’t terribly damaged could find comfort in sex they know their partner doesn’t want and can’t enjoy.

What I do understand is that people in these couples feel so powerless and discouraged that they often resort to behavior that makes no sense except in the very short term.

But pressuring your mate for more sex that no one enjoys makes it harder to ever create sex that either will enjoy. And so when these couples come to me, my job is to get them to have less sex, not more.

There will always be people who want bigger portions of food they don’t like. As a sex therapist, I have to challenge this idea every week. My goal is to support my patients’ inner gourmet, not their inner fast-food junkie.


TechnoratiTechnorati: , , , , , , , , , ,

“Decency” Group Calls Me Out in Cincinnati

February 4, 2009

Last night I braved the snow, wind, and ice to speak at the University of Cincinnati, part of their Sexploration Week.

The students who attended seemed pretty engaged–almost no one text messaged or snored during my talk. One group who didn’t attend did have some pretty strong opinions—Citizens for Community Values.

CCV, whose anti-democracy, pro-censorship work I’ve exposed before, thinks it’s a horrible idea for students to learn more about sex. They expressed their outrage to the University president, and urged their members to write to the local newspaper (over 100 did). A letter in this morning’s Cincinnati Enquirer was typical, saying the program appeared to promote “immorality.”

I greatly appreciate CCV publicizing Sexploration Week and one of its corporate co-sponsors, sexual product distributor Pure Romance. My friends remind me that the disapproval of “morality” groups and the hate mail I get is an index of my effectiveness. I’m delighted that CCV takes my work seriously enough to get nervous and lie about it.

Yes, they lie about my work, and the work of all legitimate sex educators. Last night I shared a lot of facts and more than a few opinions. I challenge CCV to provide evidence that any of my facts are wrong. And I invite them to show that their public policy recommendations would promote democracy, strengthen America’s families, and the public’s emotional health as much as mine.

Some of the lies they tell in their scare sheet about Sexploration Week:
* The relationship of pornography and date rape is “well-documented”;
* HIV is “rampant” on college campuses;
* Sexploration Week “encourages irresponsible and dangerous sexual relationships.”

There’s very little “decency” in a group that doesn’t trust its own members, much less other Americans, to draw its own conclusions from fact and truth. And there’s very little “decency” in attempting to shape opinion by frightening people with lies.


TechnoratiTechnorati: , , , , , , , , , ,